Let me say up front that this is my first ever diary on a political blog. Ever.
I have been reading the Kos for a while now, and have seen how the tone has changed over the course of the election, as it has just about everywhere else. One of those places has been my own happy Democratic home.
Our marriage, which has weathered all kinds of hell, the likes of which would make Oprah's Book Club faint, is really struggling with the issues raised by this election.
And yet, just like all those challenges we met and vanquished in the past, we know this is going to make us stronger and more in love than ever.
If we can ever figure out what the hell is going on and how to talk to each other about it without having to put on flak jackets.
Sound familiar?
So. Kossacks. Follow me below the fold. My marriage, like our beloved Democratic Party, is in desperate need of intervention. Because the Party needs unity, badly, and can perhaps learn much from my serio-comic melodrama of a marriage. Whether that means a Party in unity or two factions in two twin beds remains to be seen.
One of us supported Hillary. One of us supported Obama. Both of us are angry. We argue all the time. "Are you angry?" and "What have I done now?" are constant refrains. We can't turn on the television without an argument erupting. We watch seperate news networks alone in remote locations, like a child's room during school hours, or the kitchen when the dishwasher is on. Both of us have supplied the other with carefully selected, lovingly presented literature in an attempt to start a heartfelt, honest conversation about why we support who we support. Both of us have used such literature as coasters. We have stayed up late into the night, discussing sexism and racism, until our eyes have permanent dark hollows underneath. Our work has suffered. Our friends are concerned. Sometimes we invent solo errands in order to catch campaign news on satellite radio. Sometimes one of us sleeps on the couch. One of us even opened a secret credit card account in order to make forbidden donations to the candidate of choice. Once one of us called out a candidate's name while sleeping. And one of us has threatened to leave, to go and live with the other party forever.
Funny, yes. But (mostly) horribly, horribly true.
Because what is going on around my house seems to be a microcosm of what I'm hearing on the blogs, in the news, and in all the regular hangouts of Democrats everywhere. And this last is much more alarming:
Hillary is engaging in sexist tactics!
No, she's not, because she's a woman!
It's wrong to elect someone based solely on their gender.
It's progressive to elect someone from an underrepresented, historically disempowered group.
All men are sexist, even the good ones, because they tacitly benefit from male privilege whether they want to or not.
Obama is a historic candidate because he's the first African-American elected to the nomination by a major party.
Obama played the race card.
It's wrong to elect someone based solely on their race.
I was discriminated against because I'm white.
I was dicriminated against because I'm a man.
I was discriminated against because I'm black.
I was discriminated against because I'm a woman.
White men are the perpetrators of oppression and bigotry, as they still have a disproportionate share of money. property, and power.
Women have come a long way, and are equal in most things, and are engaging in sexism when given "special treatment."
And on and on.
At my house, the arguments are based largely on sexism. Each of us is pretty sure the other thinks he or she is a sexist pig. The fact that we are different genders doesn't seem to matter any more, which is baffling. He is a sexist pig. She is a female chauvinist. And pretty soon, you can't say "Chris Matthews" without starting an all-out holy war.
I know that race is just as explosive. I am focusing on gender here because it is the source of the most friction (hee hee) in my house.
I convinced it's all a miscommunication, both at home and on the Internets. So a lot of the hurt feelings can all be tied to one little word. Growing up out of the consciouness-raising activities of women in the 60s and 70s, the word "sexism" probably did at one time refer solely to white male oppression of women.
But now the argument seems to be that white men can, and are, being discriminated against by women today. And this changes the concept underlying the historic understanding of the word "sexism."
Language exists to describe concepts. The concept always comes before the word that describes it. And as concepts change, the words that describe them change in meaning, as well.
Language is funny. Its most dynamic, important evolutions (like our beloved word snark) occur at the most informal of places- schoolyards, grocery stores, anywhere people gather, including blogs.
Formal tools of language, like dictionaries and grammar textbooks, are the last to change. Dictionaries are an attempt to capture the words used to describe the actions, thoughts, and utterances of people. They are the least relevant sources. And yet people often refer to them as authoritative sources of information, rather than as awkward nets that attempt to catch and solidify the actions and speech of everyday folks. You and me. And that can give them terrible power by letting them shape our thoughts, placing boundaries on discussions, rather than facilitating understanding.
I have seen more than one commenter in here tell another something like: You are wrong, whatever the argument, because Dictionary X defines "sexism" as: discrimination against a person of the opposite sex.
What that commentor is really saying is that "your ideas don't match up to the dominant usage of that word. You are wrong, wrong, wrong, so your argument is wrong, and by the way, that means you don't know what you're talking about, and I do."
That is A LOT of power to give Merriam-Webster.
And so, in the hopes of being able to find unity at my house, and as a party, I ask you:
What exactly is going on with the concept of sexism today? What is our experience? What does this new definition look like?
Are you a man who believes he has been discriminated against by a woman? What has your experience been?
One of the disconnects I think I'm seeing is that these discussions tend to happen in the abstract. They are highly theoretical, and thus, impersonal. What I am interested in are direct, personal accounts of sexism against you, the commentator. Things that actually happened. And I solemnly swear I am up to no snark.
Because when we can come to a common understanding of the terms, based on words that reflect the practices of our community today, then we can come a lot closer to cutting through the crap that is being thrown around the Democratic Party (and my house) these days. The squabbling, name-calling, confusion and hurt feelings.
I think we are experiencing a fundamental change in some of the defining concepts of our culture. A paradigm shift. Such fundamental conceptual shifts tend to occur in tandem with sweeping, widespread cultural change. Think French Revolution. So the very words we are using to talk to each other are twisting and turning in our hands, unable to carry the messages we intend to send. It's exciting. But damn, it's tricky, too. And all I really want is my country back. That, and a good back rub.